Killing the Kardashians

Edward Graybill woke up, cooked himself a hearty breakfast, and then sat down to work on his plan to kill the Kardashians.  Edward’s life had been revitalized from the moment he decided to kill them.

Ever since Edward had been forced into retirement he had seen no purpose to his life. His wife had died less than a year earlier, when he had been too busy with work to even spend much time with her in the hospital. There was always one more project to finish. One more deadline to meet.

Edward had planned on visiting Nancy in the hospital every day after work, but often by the time he finished for the day, visiting hours were over. Nancy had been so understanding and sweet whenever he missed a day. Then suddenly, Nancy was gone. Edward went to the hospital one day after work and Nancy’s hospital room was empty. it took him 15 minutes to find someone who could tell him what had happened. It turned out that she had a sudden seizure just about the time he was driving from work to the hospital. The doctor who explained the details to Edward was a tiny redhead who looked like she was about 14 years old. The doctor tried to be comforting, but to Edward it all seemed like some sort of slow motion dream.

Two weeks after Nancy died, the company Edward worked for was bought in a hostile takeover. All the senior engineers like Edward were forced into early retirement.  Edward found himself with nothing to do. He tried looking for work, but apparently there were a lot of engineers out of work.  He found himself competing with people who were younger, had more degrees, more computer training and a hell of a lot more energy than Edward did.

For the first time in his life,  he found himself with nothing to do. Nothing at all. He found himself watching a lot of daytime T.V., and could not believe how much crap was on. He began to feel connected to the people on the television, but not in a good way. He began to hate them.

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The reality shows bothered Edward the most. The people on them were self-centered morons who lead meaningless lives of luxury and fame. Edward hated the fact that those people were alive while his wonderful Nancy was dead.

It never occurred to Edward that he might need psychiatric help.  He had no family or friends to point him to a grief counselor. The precision of working on an engineering problem had always been his refuge from stress, and now even that was gone.

Edward started sleeping more and more, not shaving and not even bothering to shower.  Then one day he had an Epiphany. He was going to do something to help all of America. He was going to rid the country of the worst of the reality show scum.

He was going to kill the Kardashians.

From the moment he made that decision Edward’s life was back on track. He started taking care of himself physically. He showered and shaved every day, ate regular meals and felt a new purpose.

He began planning the kill with the precision and attention to detail with which he had worked on all his engineering projects throughout his career. He broke it down in specific steps.

  1. What Weapon to use
  2. How to get close enough to the Kardashians to eliminate them.
  3. How to get away.

Edward had no intention of getting caught. Any moron could eliminate people if getting caught did not matter. It took a precise plan to achieve the objective and move on without notice.

In his own mind Edward tried avoiding using words like “murder” or “kill”. He tended to think in terms of “eliminate” or even a television term like “cancel.” He did not really think of any of the Kardashians as real.

Which Kardashian to Kill?

As soon as he starting thinking seriously about the weapon he realized there was a problem, which would mean a major change in objective.  The only way to to eliminate all the Kardashian’s at once would be a bomb or an automatic weapon, and that would mean a lot of innocent people getting killed.

Edward made a decision. He was going to have to pick just 1 Kardashian to kill.  He made a list of them and one by one scratched off names. The first one he scratched off the list was Kanye West. Edward decided Kanye should live. After all, Kanye was the only one with an actual talent and a real job. He also was not evena real Kardashian.

Kill 7

Bruce Jenner also got to live. Edward could not bring himself to hate Bruce. The feeling for Bruce was just one of immense pity. A manly gold medal Olympian who had been so ruined by the Kardashians that he wanted to become a woman. Just sad. Really sad.

Kill 4

Edward narrowed down his death choice list to Kim or her mother Kris. After all, the rest of the family were really just bit players in their strange lives.  Now the obvious choice was to kill Kim Kardashian. Edward was reminded every day just how much he hated her.  It was impossible to turn on a T.V. or browse the internet for more than five minutes without seeing her fat ass stuffed into some dress like it was a sausage casing.

But in the end, Edward decided that the mother Kris Kardashian must be the one to die. After all, it was Kris who had turned the rest of them into what they were. It was Kris who had ruined Bruce Jenner, and made a mockery of American family life. It was Kris Kardashian the world would be better off without.

Getting the Weapon

The next step was to get a deadly weapon which could not be traced back to Edward, and which could get past security.   This turned out to be Edward’s favorite part of the whole project.  Instead of taking the chance of buying a weapon which could be traced back to him, Edward decided to make one himself.

Edward purchased a top of the line 3D printer. It was an amazing device. It hooked to a computer, and could make objects out of very hard plastic as long as you programmed the correct dimensions into the computer.

For about 2 weeks Edward practiced making small gears and sprockets. Then he began designing a fully functional .22 caliber Derringer made out of hard plastic. In less than a month, his keen engineer’s mind had produced a weapon that was every airport security chief’s worst nightmare. He had made a fully functional gun that was completely invisible to a metal detector.

The bullets were no problem. In his basement there were still a couple of duct covered boxes of .22 caliber bullets left over from when his dad had taken him squirrel hunting many decades ago. Even though his dad was now dead, Edward had just never been able to bring himself to through out any mementos of the precious few times his father had spent any time with him.

Edward figured that getting 1 bullet though security could be done, with some ingenuity. It took him another few weeks, but finally he fashioned an expensive looking ball point pen, with the bullet fitting into the top.  He would put the pen in the basket by the metal security detector along with his keys and coins.  It woud be taking a chance, but he doubted most security people would be able to spot it. The plastic gun he would put in his suit jacket pocket , wrapped in a handkerchief.

Then Edward made his first full-scale test. He bought a round trip ticket from Newark to Washington D.C.  He went to the airport carrying his gun and bullet, and went on a weekend trip to the nation’s capital.

By the time Edward returned home on Sunday he could not have been happier. He had successfully made it though airport security and had even visited a total of 5 Washington museums with strict security.  He had never even been questioned.  Edward figured his success was due to a combination of his cleverly designed weapon, and reverse racial profiling. Security simply did not care about an old white man with grey hair, dressed in slacks and a sports jacket. He was just not dangerous.

Where to Kill Kris Kardashian?

The final phase of the plan was tricky and was going to cost some money. However, money was something that Edward quite unexpected found himself with quite a bit of.  It turned out that his wife Nancy had a very large life insurance polity through her work of which Edward was the sole beneficiary.

He was stunned when the insurance company called him.  He was to receive over half a million dollars tax free. He got no joy from the money. It just  made him very sad that he and Nancy had never had any children who he could pass the money on to.  He felt incredibly guilty about benefiting financially from his beloved Nancy’s death.

Unfortunately, in his somewhat psychotic state,  Edward  also started thinking about how suddenly being rich could get him close to Kris Kardashian.  Close enough to use his home-made gun.

Less that a month later, Edward got his chance, and he didn’t even have to fly to California. The Kardashians were hosting a charity fund raising event for the Wounded Warriors foundation, right in New York City.  Edward sent in a $15,000 donation. A few days later her received ticket for the event, plus a hand-written note from Kris Kardashian saying she was looking forward to meeting him personally at the dinner.

Edward was filled with excitement as he rehearsed in his mind the final steps of his plan. He would arrive at the party early and carry the gun in his right hand suit pocket wrapped in a handkerchief. Once through the metal detector, he would go to the men’s room, take the bullet out of the pen and load the gun.  Then he would look for his chance to get close to Kris Kardashian.  He had watched Kadashian group events on T.V., and he calculated that the best time to assassinate Kris was then Kim Kardashian made an entrance.

Kris always arrived first to set things up and stage-manage the show. Once the room was really full and everyone had had a few drinks, Kim would show up wearing a scandalously skimpy outfit and make a grand entrance.

All eyes would be on Kim, including the security guys. That’s  when Edward would casually walk up behind Kris and shoot her in the back of the skull with the .22 caliber Derringer. The crowd inside and on the street would be making so much noise at the arrival of Kim Kardashian, that no one would even hear the gun go off.  Then Edward would move away into the crowd and out a back exit as the body of Kris Kardashian fell to the floor.  With the right luck, Edward could be outside and on his way home before security even realized she was dead.

Moving in For the Kill

The event was held at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  When Edward arrived, he realized that his that all his time designing a plastic gun had been a waste. All he had to do was show his ticket and he was let in immediately.

The reason for the lack of metal detectors was obvious all around him. The room was filled not only with celebrities and political figures, but also with a large number of wounded soldiers. Many of them has prosthetic limbs or wheelchairs.  Someone had obviously made the decision that having the metal detector constantly being triggered by the prosthetic devices of injured heroes would not be good publicity for the charity.  Edward could have put a regular metal handgun in his pocket and gotten right in.

Still, Edward followed his original plan. He found an empty stall in the men’s room, and disassembled his pen. Then he removed the bullet from the pen and loaded his plastic gun. He  carefully wrapped the gun in a handkerchief and put it the right pocket of his suit jacket.

There were just two more steps left. Finding Kris Kardashian, and shooting her in the back of the head.

Kill 3

The room was packed and waiters circulated with wine and plates filled with tiny delicacies.   Edward took wine and food, since he did not want to draw suspicion to himself. Then he realized he was standing completely alone, and realized that this also might draw the attention of Security. There may be no metal detectors, but there were a number of very large muscular men wearing identical blue blazers, watching over the crowd. These guys were obviously security and were looking for anything out of the ordinary.  A man at a party who stood alone and  did not speak to anyone was definitely out of the ordinary. Edward decided to make an attempt to blend in.

Edward spotted a young soldier and his very attractive wife standing near a mummy exhibit. Edward decided to speak to them until the Kardashians showed up. Edward walked over and said,

“Hello. Excellent turn-out tonight isn’t it?”

The young couple seemed startled that anyone had spoken to them.

“Yes it is,” answered the man, who was in the uniform of an Army Lieutenant.

The woman did not say anything, but up close Edward could see that she was quite beautiful. She had on a long white evening gown, and had come sort of large shawl draped over her shoulders. There was something strangely familiar about this young woman. He realized hat her light grey eyes were very similar to the way Nancy’s had looked when she was was a young.

Edward looked around the room but still did not see any type of Kardashian. He was beginning to worry that his target might not show up at all. Edward decided to make another attempt at conversation.

“So have you two been married long? I bet you are glad to have your husband safe from the war. It’s great of the two of you to support the Wounded Warriors. I think your husband is a real hero for serving out country.” Edward stopped talking, when  he realized he was babbling. It occurred to him  that he had not had a real conversation with anyone sine his wife Nancy had died.

“Julie here is the hero, not me. By the way we are not married, just friends,” said the young Lieutenant.

The woman blushed and said, “Stop it John. You’re embarrassing me.”

That’s when everything happened at once. Edward felt a light hand on his shoulder and as he turned he was looking directly at the face of Kris Kardashian. “I see you have met our guest of honor”, Kris said to Edward. “There is talk that Private Julie Nelson here might get the Medal of Honor for her bravery in Iraq.”

“That’s idiotic,” replied Julie, very  annoyed. “I did not do anything brave. I just got blown up. That’s it.”

“Well you are a hero to me” said Kris, who moved over and gave Julie a big hug. As she did so, the shawl slipped off Julie’s shoulders, and Edward saw she was missing her right arm below the elbow. In its place was a very bulky looking prosthetic arm.

Edward instinctively bent down to the floor to retrieve the shawl. When he did so he could see that Julie also had some type of metal right leg, of which a small portion could be seen at the bottom of her evening gown. Whatever explosive had hit her had done tremendous damage.

Edward went to hand the shawl to the young woman, but by the time he stood up, she had hurried off quickly to the interior of the museum to  hide behind some of the museum’s exhibits.  This left John and Edward standing awkwardly with Kris Kardashian.

“I’d better go check on her,” said John and he ran off in the direction of Julie.

This left Edward completely alone with Kris Kardashian. He patted the side of his jacked and felt the outline of the gun. Then Kris looked him directly in the eye and said,

“It’s the survivor’s guilt that makes you want to lash out at other people. The fact that you survived and someone close to you died and you could not stop it.”

Edward felt a shiver run through him. It was like she had looked directly into his soul and knew what he was doing there. All he could manage was to stammer out was “Wha-What do you mean?”

“Julie feels survivor’s guilt that she is alive and all the other soldiers in the Humvee died. That’s why she lashes at at people now. The Army doctor’s all say that’s what she is going through.”

Suddenly there was a huge roar in the crowd as Kim Kardashian and Kayne West walked through the front entrance.  As Edward had predicted, everyone in the room turned to look at Kim and Kayne. In addition every security man in the room moved towards, the entrance.

Kris Kardashian turned to look at her daughter, and  now had her back to Edward. All he had to do was to pull out the little gun, put it to the back of her skull and pull the trigger.

Instead, Edward turned and walked into the depths of the museum. He had to search through a lot of exhibits until he found Julie. It is a huge museum.  He finally found Julie sitting alone on top of an ancient Egyptian stone casket like it was a bench.  Lieutenant John had either not found her, or she had sent him away.

Edward held out the shawl to Julie and said, “I brought you your wrap.”

“She took it and gave him a meek smile.  “I don’t really need it. I was just using it to cover this ugly prosthetic arm. I suppose Mrs Kardashian-Jenner was giving you an earful about all my psychological problems.  She just loves to play doctor. I know she raises a lot of money for wounded vets, but I feel like an animal on display at this thing. Everyone wants to look at the one-armed, one leg soldier girl. That’s all anyone notices about me.”

Then Edward climbed up on the casket and sat next to Julie. “I don’t think anyone feels that way at all. Not at all, said Edward very gently. What I noticed first about you was your eyes. They reminded  me of the first think I noticed about my wife when I met her so many years ago.”

“She has passed away hasn’t she” said Julie sweetly.

“Yes. Yes she died alone in a hospital. I wasn’t there because I worked late to balance some budget figures. Instead of being with my wife, I was entering numbers into a God-damned calculator.”

“I was supposed to be driving the Humvee,” said Julie. “I was supposed to drive but I was really tired that day. There was a new guy who had never driven one before and I let him drive so I could take a nap while he drove. He was excited about driving. I let myself be a passenger and the next thing I knew the bomb went off and the Humvee exploded. Everyone in it was killed but me.  If I had been driving it would not have happened.”

“It would have happened anyway,” said Edward.

“No. I had experience. I would have seen the bump in the road and known it was a buried explosive device.  I would have stopped and turned around. The new guy just drove right over it, like it was just a pothole on the Jersey Turnpike. They are all dead because I was too lazy to do my job. By the way, you are the first person, I ever told this to.” Julie finished speaking and tears rolled silently down her cheeks.

Edward had not been able to help his wife in the hospital but maybe now  he could help this girl. He decided she did not need someone to talk to her. She just needed someone to be there for her. The way he should have been with Nancy in the hospital.

Julie and Edward sat in that out of the way spot for the rest of the party. Edward did not try to speak or offer any great advise about how to handle her grief. They just sat there on the cool marble of the ancient Egyptian casket in the darkest part of the museaum.

Julie felt  great sense of relief sitting next to Edward. He was the first person she had met in a long time who did not try to give her advice on how to cope with things.  Somehow he seemed to know that some things you just can’t make go away. Some types of pain can’t be talked away and have to just slowly erode away with time.

The party ended, but before it did Julie and Edward exchanged e-mail addresses. Julie left with her Army Lieutenant escorting her. The Lieutenant had been frantically searching for Julie and was happier to be reunited with her.

Edward made his way  back to his empty house. He went to the basement, unloaded the plastic gun and then took a hammer and smashed it to tiny pieces. He felt like his life had been a strange dream since his wife had died, and now he had suddenly woken up.

The next morning, Edward Graybill woke up, made a hearty breakfast and went to work on his new plan. He was going to use his Engineering skills and 3D printing ability to design and make distinctly feminine prosthetic devices for wounded  female veterans and accident victims.

Julie and Edward continued to keep in touch. She was excited about Edward’s new project and helped him every step of the way with advice and encouragement.

The following year, Private Julie Nelson and Lieutenant  John McNeil were married.  Julie’s father had passed away years ago, so she asked Edward to walk her down the aisle.  In addition to her white gown the bride wore a prosthetic arm that Edward had designed and made. It was light and slim and matched her skin tone perfectly.

As they entered the church Julie said to Edward. “The publicity agent for the Kardashians called me last week. He said they wanted to all come to the wedding and make it a big media event. He was very  angry when I told him ‘No’. You know, there are times I could just kill all those Kardashians.”

“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edward, as he smiled warmly at the beautiful bride.

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