Terrorist Deer

The following is a true story. The names and places are real.

Will is the kind of guy salespeople love. That’s because he believes anything they tell him. This is the story of one purchase a salesman talked him into.

Will and his wife Marilyn live in a lovely house in Mendham, New Jersey. That is the same town where the late  Whitney Houston used to live.  Will was always very proud of the landscaping, until two years ago when there was an exceptionally dry summer.

Will watered the grass and bushes every day, but they started to look worse and worse. Parts of the bushes were disappearing every night. There was only one explanation – Deer! He never saw them during the day, but every night they were eating anything green they could find.

Will went to the Home Depot and found that there were lots of things you could do about deer. A high fence would be the most effective, but Will did not want to destroy the look of his home. There were also all sorts of pellets and sprays that were supposed to repel the deer. One of the sprays was made of real Coyote urine, as disgusting as that sounds.

However, the salesman was able to get Will to buy the most expensive contraption in the store.  It was an entire system of motion detectors hooked up to a water sprayer that ties into your outside hose. Supposedly, when the deer got close enough, the motion detectors would send out a signal to the hose which would  then shoot out a stream of water to scare away the deer.

Deer Story 5

The salesman told Will that these are the same type of motion detectors that U.S. Special Forces set up around their campsites to detect the approach of Al Qaeda. Now, I am no expert on military equipment, but I really don’t think that our soldiers are using the same type of hardware available at the local Home Depot.

So Will bought the entire system and set it up to ward off the terrorist deer that were attacking his bushes every night.  It seemed to work, since in the middle of the night he could hear the hose spraying again and again.

However, despite the nightly  hose spritzes the bushes kept getting more and more chewed up. They had become nothing more than little stumpy shrubs. Will decided to find out what was really going on at night. He went to a local electronic and gadget store and bought a high-end pair of night vision goggles. (As I said, salespeople just love Will).

Deer Story 3

That night he put on his goggles and  stayed up looking out his bedroom window into the backyard.  When it was completely dark he heard the hose go off. That’s when he saw something completely unexpected.

Will had not realized how much the summer drought was impacting the deer. They weren’t just hungry. They were also thirsty.   All the local sources of water had dried up and deer were having a hard time finding enough water to survive.

Will’s motion activated hose sprayer was the best thing that had ever happened to the deer.  Over the summer nights the deer had come to figure out that if they came to that particular spot water would magically appear.


Will looked out his window, and through his night vision goggles he saw the deer lining up to get near the motion detectors, and then thirstily  lapping up the water as fast as the hose could spray it out.

That night Will realized the deer were not terrorists intent on destroying his landscaping. He suddenly understood they were just beautiful fragile creatures trying not to die during the worst drought in 20 years.

Will left the motion detectors and hose set up all summer, and even set out out some buckets filled with water. His bushes got smaller until they were nothing more than little nubs. Will didn’t care. He loved staying up at night and watching the animals he had saved.

Will doesn’t spend much time worrying about his landscaping anymore. Now he is into buying gadgets for his car.  The last time I saw Will he had just installed into his car a device that was supposed to change red lights into green. All you had to do was push a button on your dashboard and the car would send a signal to the light automatically turning it from red to green.


Will and I took a ride in his car to test it out. We pulled up to a red light and Will pushed the button on his dashboard. The light stayed red. Will explained that the saleswoman had told him that sometimes it took a few minutes for the signal to reach the light. We sat at the light for several more minutes and then the light switched to green. Will was happy that the device he had paid $395 for had actually worked.

Yes, salespeople everywhere love Will. So do deer.

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