During the government shutdown, members of the Coast Guard will supplement their income by selling the illegal drugs they have confiscated. Members of the Coast Guard are not receiving paychecks since they are officially part of the Department of Homeland Security rather than the Military. However, the Coast Guard has, in its warehouses, millions of dollars of illegal drugs that it has seized from criminal cartels on the high seas.
President Donald Trump has signed an Executive Order allowing Coast Guard base commanders to sell these drugs to Americans on a “first come first serve” basis. High quality Cocaine, Marijuana, and Heroin will soon be available. Check the Coast Guard website for times and prices of the sale. Coast Guard officers will then use the money from the drug sales to pay the regular salaries of the men and women of the Coast Guard so that they can, in turn, feed their families.
The Trump Administration has announced that it is considering continuing the practice even after the government shutdown has ended. Today President Trump Tweeted that,
“Through my brilliance I have invented a way for the money-losing Coast Guard to finally become a profitable business! Money that used to go to Mexican Drug Cartels will now be used to feed Americans! No One Else But me would have thought of this!”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated that the next step is to allow the TSA to sell all the items it confiscates from travelers at airports. Ms. Sanders stated that,
“The money received from the sale of confiscated guns alone would probably be enough to pay for TSA workers’ salaries. After all, they are barely making above minimum wage anyway.”
The Trump Administration is also considering allowing TSA workers to accept tips from travelers. In this way, the government could legally pay the TSA employees less than minimum wage.
“It would also speed up the line for wealthier travelers“, said Jared Kushner in a phone interview. “Why should important people have to wait behind the riffraff in a security line? Slip the TSA worker a $20 bill and move to the front of the line. Tip $50 and skip security completely. “
These moves for the Coast Guard and the TSA are part of an overall strategy which Trump calls “Make America Pay Again.” The ultra-conservative wing of Republican Party wants every individual department of the Federal government to become a money making business. By 2020 the Republicans plan to roll out the following money making schemes:
- No more free parking for Congresspeople, the Senators or White House Press. Parking Meters will be installed at the White House and on Capitol Hill.
- There will be a $200 fee for every question a reporter asks at a Press Conference.
- President Trump will give no more free interviews on television. A $250,000 up-front payment from a network will be required.
- At the end of State Dinners at the White House, everyone will receive an itemized bill with a 25% gratuity included.
- The Thanksgiving Turkey at the White House will no longer be pardoned. That’s good meat that shouldn’t be wasted.
- All of the animal enclosures at the National Zoo will be combined and meals for the animals will be eliminated. Visitors will then get to see a true wildlife experience. The predator animals such as the wolves would hunt, kill and eat smaller weaker animals.
- Old Faithful at Yellowstone will be tapped. The geothermal power would then be sold to businesses in the new Yellowstone Industrial Complex.
- The Press seating in Air Force One will be eliminated and replaced by paid Passenger Seats open to the highest bidder.
- The Food and Drug Administration will be eliminated entirely. People who want certification of food or drug safety should be willing to pay private companies to do this for them.
- All government vehicles including Air Force Jets, Army Tanks and Navy Aircraft Carriers will have corporate advertising on them.
- Corporate Logos will also be allowed on national monuments. Trojan Condoms has already put in a very high bid for the Washington Monument.
- The “World’s Biggest Garage Sale” will be held on the National Mall. This will get rid of all that old junk in the Smithsonian Museum and reap tidy profit.
- The empty space in what used to be the Smithsonian Institute will be turned into Luxury apartments and condominiums.
The government is looking for input from the general public. If you have any ideas of your own on how to Make America Pay Again, please let us know.