President Trump announced today that the the Federal Government will be providing funds to build a major coal-fueled power plant in Puerto Rico. “This project will be huge!,” said the President. “It will simultaneously solve all the power problems in Puerto Rico, while at the same time fulfilling my campaign pledge to help the coal industry. This is an idea that crooked Hillary would never have thought of.”
When asked about potential pollution of the coal powered plant, Mr. Trump responded, “There will be No pollution! Zero! That is the most brilliant part of my plan. We are going to build the plant on the East Coast of Puerto Rico. The prevailing winds will blow the smoke off shore, so zero pollution will happen to Puerto Rico.”
When asked about the smoke that drifts to Haiti and the Dominican Republic, the President joked, “What can I say? My slogan is American First, not Haiti First.” Haitians are currently calling for a large rally to protest the proposed coal plant.
The announcement was made in the Rose Garden ceremony kicking off “clean coal week”, which is to highlight advances made in coal burning technology. President Trump also announced that the Federal government will be suspending all subsidies to Solar Power and eliminating all research for alternative fuels.
White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders in a later news conference stated that “The Puerto Rico Coal -Powered Utility Plant is the first of many projects the Trump Administration has planned to help foreign countries switch to coal power.” Ms. Huckabee Sanders later clarified her remarks saying, “Of course I know that Puerto Rico is not a foreign country. I was speaking of future projects.”
President Trump has been growing more defensive at suggestions he has not been doing enough to help Puerto Ricians after the recent hurricanes. In at Tweet at 3am this morning, President Trump stated “I have signed an executive order granting visas for up to 10,000 Puerto Ricians so that they can get temporary status in the United States.”
At 9am this morning, Sarah Huckabee Sanders held a press conference stating that “the President’s 3am tweet was of course just a joke. He absolutely understands that people from Puerto Rico are American citizens and do not need visas.” In an angry exchnage with a reporter from the New York Times, Ms. Huckabee Sanders shouted. “When are you people going to understand when President Trump is joking!” The phrase “you people” created its own set of problems since the New York Times reporter is African American. Ms. Huckabee Sanders later explained that by “you people” she meant reporters.
The highlight of Clean Coal week was the unveiling of a coal-powered Ford Pick-up truck whcih President Trump took for a spin, doing “doughnuts” on the White House lawn to the cheers of all the White House staff, (except for the groundskeepers.)