Fifty Shades Darker- Dull, Unimaginative, Not Erotic

Fifty Shades Darker is dull, unimaginative and not at all erotic. We saw it in an AMC Dine-In Theater, and what the people in front of us were eating was more interesting than the movie. It was a  pasta dish with extra cheese and lots of garlic. They were having a real hard time eating it in the dark. Oh- you want to hear about the movie? Let’s just say that the pasta was hotter and spicier than the sex scenes in Fifty Shades Darker.

Jamie Dornan & Dakota Johnson in Fifty Shades Darker

Jamie Dornan & Dakota Johnson in Fifty Shades Darker

This is, of course, the much anticipated sequel to Fifty Shades Of Grey.  However the advertising was completely misleading. Fifty Shades Of Grey ended with Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) walking out on Christian (Jamie Dornan) since she refused to be a “submissive” who was going to be brutalized by him. That was the best part of Fifty Shades Of Grey, when she stood up to this abusive creep.

The advertising for Fifty Shades Darker implied that in the sequel, Christian has changed and  they get back together as a regular normal romantic pair of equals. Then, someone from Christian’s dark past tries to stalk and murder the happy couple. Fifty Shades Darker was billed as a romantic mystery-thriller.

However, that is not what happens.  In  Fifty Shades Darker, Anastasia now suddenly  finds the controlling, abusive and stalking behavior of Christian somehow “romantic”.  It is a complete departure from the ending of the first film. Christian controls every aspect of her life. He  slaps her around, ties her up, tells her where to go , and even buys and picks out her clothing. Sorry, but this is not romantic. It is abusive.

There is no point in Fifty Shades Darker where Anastasia behaves at all like a real woman.  In the situations portrayed in Fifty Shades Darker any real woman would have been running for the door and calling the police.

Bella Heathcote as the world least frightening stalker in Fifty Shades Darker

Bella Heathcote as the world least frightening stalker in Fifty Shades Darker

There  is stalker in the film we are supposed to be scared of. Bella Heathcote plays Leila, an ex-submissive who used to be involved with Christian. She is now jealous of Christian and Anastasia and is stalking them. The problem is that she is so meek and mild mannered, that there is no point you ever get the feeling that she could really hurt anyone. She is about as scary as being stalked by a chipmunk.

Kim Basinger in Fifty Shades Darker

Kim Basinger in Fifty Shades Darker

Kim Basinger plays Leila, the older woman who first introduced Christian into the world of S&M. Kim Basinger always gives a terrific performance. The previews make it look like she is a main character in Fifty Shades Darker, but she is actually hardly ever on screen. In fact, the credits of the film just state “with Kim Basinger”.  The “with” connotation is what is traditionally used for someone who does a cameo appearance.

So lets, get back to the main story, about the people in front of us in the theater having their dinner. As Dakota Johnson cavorted naked on screen, there was a loud crash when the couple in front of us somehow knocked all of their silverware onto the floor. Instead of ringing a waiter for more, they decided to use their breadsticks as utensils to eat the rest of the pasta.

Can breadsticks be utensils?

Can breadsticks be utensils?

This creates a technical problem since breadsticks tend to snap if too much pressure is put on them. Perhaps at this point we should point out that as well as food, AMC Dine-In Theaters serve alcohol. Suffice it to say that the breadstick pasta eaters had consumed quite a few cocktails as the film progressed.

This is what people have at the movies now instead of popcorn

This is what people have at the movies now instead of popcorn

So, to wrap it up, we have two recommendations. The first is to skip Fifty Shades Darker. There are a lot of great movies playing right now, but Fifty Shades Darker is not one of them. The second piece of advice is more practical.  Please, if you do see a film in a dine in theater, skip the pasta and order a sandwich instead.

 

 

 

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