Monthly Archives: March 2018

Red Sparrow – Jennifer Lawerence’s Worst Movie

Even Jennifer Lawrence naked does not make Red Sparrow worth watching. The plot is dull, the acting wooden and the sex scenes amazingly non-erotic. It is also a remake of a low budget 1985 movie called Secret Weapons starring James Franciscus, Linda Hamilton, Gina Davis & Sally Kellerman  The low budget Secret Weapons was actually far better than Red Sparrow.

Jennifer Lawrence & Joel Edgerton in Red Sparrow

Jennifer Lawrence & Joel Edgerton in Red Sparrow

Jennifer Lawrence is one of our favorite actresses, so it was a shame to see her in  Red Sparrow, which seemed to have no purpose other than to show Jennifer Lawrence naked as often as possible. She is naked during spy training; naked in hotel rooms, and she is even naked when being tortured. For her whole career, Jennifer Lawrence has fought against taking roles that exploit women. Why she gave in for a piece of junk like Red Sparrow is a mystery.  Either she needed the money (which we doubt), or she actually thought Red Sparrow would be good. Get a new agent to find better scripts Jennifer.

From Russia With Love - 1964

From Russia With Love – 1964

Jennifer Lawrence plays Russian ballerina Dominika Egorova  who breaks her leg in an accident. She is then recruited by her uncle into a spy school. There  they train beautiful young women and men to become seductive “under cover” agents. She is sent on assignment to seduce a CIA agent (Played by Joel Edgerton) and get all his secrets. Of course, she falls in love with him, just like the female Russian spy in  the James Bond movie From Russia With Love.

Boris & Natasha - the Russian agents from the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons

Boris & Natasha – the Russian agents from the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons

Not a single actor in Red Sparrow is actually Russian, and they all use a variety of Russian “accents”. The result is that they all sound like people mimicking Boris and Natasha from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.

"Secret Weapons" in 1985 has Sally Kellerman, Linda Hamilton & Gina as seductive Soviet agents

“Secret Weapons” in 1985 has Sally Kellerman, Linda Hamilton & Gina as seductive Soviet agents

The 1985 film Secret Weapons was far better  with more interesting plot twists and even better acting. (The Soviet Union was still around when Secret Weapons was made.) Unlike Red Sparrow, the spy school in Secret Weapons concentrated on much more than the art of seduction. The Soviet spies were being taught to become under cover Americans. They  were trained to have American accents, and were given false American backgrounds. Their goals were to infiltrate the United States and eventually marry high level government and military officials. Red Sparrow would have been better if it had stuck with the original plot instead of concentrating just on the  sex.

Anna Chapman - the real Russian spy who was caught in the U.S. in 2010

Anna Chapman – the real Russian spy who was caught in the U.S. in 2010

The 1985 Secret Weapons actually predicted the real Russian plan which Anna Chapman and her fellow spies tried to carry out over 35 years later. Ironically for the modern Russian spies, the seduction worked in reverse. Anna Chapman and her fellow spies completely fell in love with the materialism of the United States. Instead of gathering secrets they apparently spent most of their time buying expensive luxuries  and demanding more money from their spymasters in Moscow. It would have been much more fun if Red Sparrow had been a comedy about Anna Chapman and her inept secret agents.

Jennifer Lawrence has now chosen 2 terrible movies in a row.  The weird and disgusting Mother, followed by the semi-pornographic Red Sparrow. We hope that she gets back on track and that her next film is worthy of her talents.

The Shape Of Water – A Stupid Choice for Best Picture

The Shape Of Water was a stupid choice for best picture. It plagiarizes Splash and The Creature  From the Black Lagoon but is not as good as either of those two classics. The plot was idiotic and the “creature” absurd. The Shape Of Water is reminiscent of 1950s “monster movie porn”. In the 1950s and even early 1960s movies were very tightly censored. Movie producers knew that they could increase ticket sales by revealing as much of a woman’s naked body as they could get past the censors.

Sally Hawkins (Elisa Esposito) shares lunch with The Creature in The Shape Of Water

Sally Hawkins (Elisa Esposito) shares lunch with The Creature in The Shape Of Water

The solution was what insiders jokingly  called “monster movie porn”. Every monster movie had a beautiful woman and the monster always seemed to attack when that woman was in a nightgown, or a bathing suit, or naked in the bath tub. That way producers could argue that the nudity or implied nudity was “essential to the plot”. In addition, censors tended not to waste much time watching low budget monster movies. The censors main focus was on regulating main stream movies by major studios. Consequently, the cheesy monster movies got away showing a lot more female flesh than  the Feature Films. (Male nudity,  was completely taboo.)

1954 The Creature From The Black Lagoon

1954 The Creature From The Black Lagoon

The Shape of Water pretends to be an intellectual art film about the importance of accepting people of all kinds. However, it manages to get character Sally Hawkins (wonderfully played by Elisa Esposito) naked on screen within the first 5 minutes. The film opens with her alone in her apartment where we see that she is deaf and lonely and poor. Was it really necessary to the plot to then show her naked in the bath tub?

Elisa Esposito & Octavia Spencer in The Shape Of Water

Elisa Esposito & Octavia Spencer in The Shape Of Water

The plot of The Shape Of Water was also ridiculous. The U.S. military has a sea creature locked in a secret facility where Sally and Zelda (Octavia Spencer) are cleaners. There are armed guards and closed circuit T.V. cameras everywhere. That is, everywhere except the actual room where the creature is kept. The whole point of the security is to guard the creature, but for some reason there is no guard or T.V. camera in the room where the creature is kept. In fact, security in that room is so lax that Sally often eats her lunch in that room with no one being aware of this.

Michael Shannon in The Shape Of Water

Michael Shannon in The Shape Of Water

Michael Shannon plays the evil Agent Strickland, who wants to kill The Creature. Michael Shannon’s trademark is playing “over-the-top” semi-insane authority figures. He is perhaps best known for his portrayal of FBI agent Nelson van Alden in Boardwalk Empire. However, in The Shape Of Water he really overdoes it. In one scene, he literally rips off two of his own fingers, throws them away and then continues on his quest to kill The Creature. This really seems like something that belongs in a 1950s drive-in movie horror film and not in The Best Picture Of The Year.

Julie Adams in a very revealing outfit in the 1954 The Creature From The Black Lagoon

Julie Adams in a very revealing outfit in the 1954 The Creature From The Black Lagoon

The ending of The Shape of Water (spoiler alert) is a complete rip off of Splash. At the end of  the 1984 film Splash, Tom Hanks dives into the water after the Mermaid (Daryl Hannah) only to discover that he can actually breathe underwater. At the end of  The Shape Of Water Sally dives into the water after the creature, only to discover that she can breathe underwater.

Daryl Hannah in Splash

Daryl Hannah in Splash

The worst part of The Shape Of Water getting Best Picture is that there were so many wonderful movies in 2017 that would have been better choices.  Ladybird and Get Out were both terrific movies. There was also Dunkirk, Darkest Hour, The Post and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. Any one of these would have been a better pick for best picture than The Shape of Water.

Ratings for the Oscars ceremony have been falling for years. This is partly due to the fact that the (pompously named) Academy Of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences seems further and further out of touch with the actual movie-viewing public.


7 Best Baby Boomer Toys

As kids, Baby Boomers had the best toys of all time. Here are the top 7 Baby Boomer Toys:

  • Jame Bond’s 007 Briefcase. This was a toy replica of the attache case used by Sean Connery in From Russia With Love. It came complete with a toy gun, dagger,  gold coins, code book and many other spy essentials. It was a huge seller and every Baby Boomer had one. The toy 007 briefcase was one of the first toys directly connected to a movie, and showed Hollywood the tremendous potential of merchandising tie-ins. To this day it is a sore subject with Sean Connery. Merchandising was unheard of, so there was nothing in Sean Connery’s contract giving him any of the profits. Sean Connery did not make a penny from the toy James Bond briefcase. He has unsuccessfully sued many times for a cut of the profits. Friends of Sean Connery have learned never to mention the subject since it will set Sean off on a 25 minute rant.
The James Bond 007 toy briefcase - everything a young spy needs

The James Bond 007 toy briefcase – everything a young spy needs

  • Barbie Doll – A lot of modern women hate this doll, saying that it gave girls an unrealistic and physically impossible view of female beauty. Despite this, Barbie is the best selling doll in history. Over 1 Billion Barbie dolls have been sold since its debut by Mattel in 1959. Of course Barbie is unrealistic. If Barbie was “life sized” she would be 5 feet 9 inches tall, have a 39 inch bust, a 16 inch waist and 33 inch hips. Her shoe size would be 3.  It seems impossible that a real life Barbie would even be able to walk without falling forward. None of this mattered to little girls. For them, Barbie was just a fun toy and they loved her. Barbie also was an independent woman who always had tons of money, nice things and knew how to enjoy life.
Barbie - over 1 billion sold and still selling

Barbie – over 1 billion sold and still selling

  • Green Army Men – These guys don’t get much respect, but every Baby Boomer had hundreds and  sometimes thousands of these guys scattered around the house. For one dollar you could get a huge plastic bag filled with Green Army Men. They weren’t all the same either. Some of the Army men had rifles, some had radios others were throwing hand-grenades. There were soldiers shooting from all different positions. Whoever designed Green Army Men went into tremendous detail on the way the soldiers looked, right down to the details of the uniforms. Green Army Men, played a key roll in the film Toy Story, where they heroically fulfilled any dangerous task assigned to them without question or complaint. Remember that the parents of the Baby Boomers were the ones who had won World War II. In a way the toy Green Army Men were a tribute to those thousands of real soldiers who anonymously fought for freedom before the Baby Boomers were born.
Green Army Men - classic and inexpensive

Green Army Men – classic and inexpensive

  • Easy Bake Oven – This Hasbro invention  was a toy oven that could actually bake cakes, cookies and muffins, using a 100 watt light bulb as the heat source. Unlike a lot of toys, you don’t pretend to do something, you actually do it. You don’t pretend to bake a cake, you really bake one. Some people say that, like many Baby Boomer toys, the Easy Bake Oven reinforced sexual stereotypes. Little girls were given dolls and ovens, while little boys were given toy guns and Army men. This ignores the fact that boys loved the Easy Bake Oven as much as girls.  Parents may have given the Easy Bake Ovens to their daughters, but their sons soon discovered it as well. Many Baby Boomer boys actually learned how to cook by helping their sisters make desserts with an Easy Bake Oven.
Easy Bake Oven - cooking for real with a 100 watt light bulb

Easy Bake Oven – cooking for real with a 100 watt light bulb

  • Astro Base – a decade before people actually landed on the moon, the toy Astro Base accurately predicted what a lunar landing module would look like. In fact, it was even better than the real lunar landing module, since the Astro Base was bright red, and had a crane to gently lower the astronaut to the surface.


Astro Base - the first Lunar Landing Module

Astro Base – the first Lunar Landing Module

  • Mr. Machine – was a toy robot introduced by Ideal in 1960. It was made of see-through plastic and had a wind up spring. It was a very interactive toy since you could take it apart and re-assemble it. Boys and girls were fascinated to see how all the gears interconnected to create a moving walking robot. Many Baby Boomer boys and girls who went on to become engineers say that their first introduction to mechanical interactions started with Mr. Machine.
Mr. Machine - fascinating future engineers

Mr. Machine – fascinating future engineers

  • Etch A Sketch – is one of the most frustrating toys of all time. The T.V. commercials showed people creating masterpieces of art on this little box with 2 knobs. Every kid wanted one, and in 1960 the Ohio Art Company made sure that most kids in the United States got an Etch A Sketch.  However, kids soon discovered that there was no way they would ever be able to draw much more than rectangles and squares. Trying to  draw a curved line requires moving both knobs simultaneously, with the precision of a heart surgeon.  However, the best part of Etch A Sketch is that no matter how badly you mess things up you can simply shake the toy and all your mistakes are wiped clean forever. Then once again you can give it a try, knowing that this time for sure you will be successful.  If only real life worked that way.


Etch A Sketch showing a picture no kid will ever be able to draw

Etch A Sketch showing a picture no kid will ever be able to draw

Baby Boomers had the best toys because the toys stimulated the imagination. You could be an astronaut, a fashion model, an Engineer, a great chef, a brave soldier, a spy or a world class artist. Unlike today’s video games, you had to make the story yourself – it was not supplied to you.These toys allowed thousands of children to enter a world where anything was possible and all their dreams could come true.

Counterpart – a terrific Sci-Fi/spy thriller

Counterpart on the Starz network is a fantastic  sci-fi/spy story thriller with a fascinating plot and great acting. Counterpart explores the possibilities of what our  lives would be like if just one or two decisions had been different. Haven’t we all wondered what the trajectories of our lives might have been if we had just made one key choice differently?

Sara Serraiocco in "Counterpart"

Sara Serraiocco in “Counterpart”

J.K. Simmonds plays Howard Silk, a low level worker at a secret agency that monitors a portal to a parallel world. Until 30 years ago the two worlds were exactly alike, including all the people, places and events. Each person has a duplicate in the other world. Then one day he is confronted by his counterpart (duplicate) from the other world, who expects Howard to help stop a deadly murderer.

J.K. Simmonds in Starz "Counterpart"

J.K. Simmonds in Starz “Counterpart”

For some unknown reason, 30 years ago the 2 worlds began to diverge. Now, the people in the two worlds are still duplicates, but their lives are different. Sara Serraiocco in our world is an accomplished violinist, but in the other world she is a deadly assassin.

Olivia Williams as Emily in "Counterpart"

Olivia Williams as Emily in “Counterpart”

Counterpart is great because it is much more of a physiological spy mystery than it is a sci-fi series. There are plots within plots and each of the characters are complex individuals. In our world Howard Silk is an unsuccessful career man, but a very good person. In the other world he is quite the opposite. Yet,  in the Ying and Yang of life there is no such things as 100% good or 100% evil. All people are a mixture of both.

Nazanin Boniadi and Sara Serraiocco in "Counterpart"

Nazanin Boniadi and Sara Serraiocco in “Counterpart”

Olivia Williams is Howard’s wife, Emily,  who is not what she seems in either world. Nazanin Boniadi is Clare,  whose motives are not truly revealed until the final episode. Harry Lloyd is Peter Quayle, a high level spy who ties to keep peace between the two worlds while sill maintaining secrecy and his job.

Harry Lloyd and J.K. Simmonds in "Counterpart"

Harry Lloyd and J.K. Simmonds in “Counterpart”

As you can tell, we are purposely trying not to give away too much of the plot. Counterpart is fascinating and beautifully acted.   In one moving episode, the Howard Silk (J.K. Simmonds)  from our world exchanges places with the “other” Howard, and secretly goes to the other world.  There he discovers he has a daughter (played by Sarah Bolger) that he never had in his world. What is worse is that the daughter cannot stand him.

Sarah Bolger

Sarah Bolger

The scenes between Sarah Bolger and J.K. Simmonds are moving and beautiful. Howard tries desperately to reconnect with his estranged daughter, without revealing that he is not actually the father she knew.

Counterpart is a series you will definitely want to binge watch. We give it our highest rating.